literature

A Story about Love

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ColinSydney's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

She stood in front of me with a big smile on her face,
eager to hear what I called her out to say.
Frozen; stiff, cold in action and speech,
I was lost in the beauty of her eyes.
My ears were admiring the soft rings of the chords
which liven up the air as she spoke!
Saw in her the strength which I lack,
the pillar I could lean on.
The one I thought would stop my bleeding trenches!
The one in whose arm I had wished to lie,
staring into eternity as the light hits her brown eyes.

But I was just a crutch for her to balance her mangled heart!
Selfish reasons to drag my love through the gutter.
To hide her own insecurities and her own mistakes.
As the blinds were lifted, I could see her for what she is;
a broken instrument which needed to belong,
but never could create sweet music.
Ruffled by the betrayal of her heart.
She forgot that she was doing the same to someone else.
That she looked to heal herself by breaking someone else.
She was my mistake, My heartache, My sorrow,
She is no one!
here is the link to my critique for #thewrittenrevolution
thewrittenrevolution.deviantar…

are you comfortable with the emotional transition in the poem?
does it deliver the message of betrayal and blindness?
© 2014 - 2024 ColinSydney
Comments12
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TheMoralMachine's avatar
"She stood in front of me with a big smile on her face" is probably one of -the- most vapid and unpoetic, sophomoric lines I have ever heard.

The rest of the poem ranges from following suit to being unbearably edgy. (crutch, mangled heart, etc.)